I love how you look so cute all the time. I love how you always care about how you look, like me. I love how when you say you look a mess, you look even sexier than normal. I love how you still think your fat when your just perfect. I love how you're so tall it makes me feel like one of those pretty petite girls. I love how when you hug me, it feels safe, warm and makes the shit feelings go away, I stop thinking about everything that makes me want to kill myself every second of the day, it makes me happy for just a few seconds, then you let go and all those shit feelings come rushing back.
I'm sorry. That's just how I feel.
Monday, 28 November 2011
Saturday, 19 November 2011
House Party
Awesome house party last night.
Met up with my mates Emma and Bobbie and we got extremely hyper on Monster, made a vlog and met up with everyone else in town.
Got to Emma’s and I managed to stay pretty much sober most of the night. Bit tipsy and off balance for a bit, but I remember it all :) Loooads of unconscious people and sick everywhere. Police knocked on the door asking us to ‘watch our language’…..Yes, you read it right. Nope, not asking us to turn the music down, not asking about all the underage drinking, smoking and sex, not about the drugs, our language…..
Anyways, slept on my mates bedroom floor in my clothes and woke up feeling very sore. Damn wooden floors -.- (she doesn’t have a bed :P)
The only downside is that I saw the guy I ‘used’ to like making out with his girlfriend pretty much all night, and the guy I currently like getting dragged through the hole in the fence to a part where you can’t really see anyone. He claimed nothing happened, but he was pretty pissed. I’m kinda okay with it though. Just giving up on guys for a while me thinks.
Anyways, helped her clear up a bit and then we went into town and got a MacDonald’s.
Now I’m home, stinking of smoke, weed, and alcohol.
Met up with my mates Emma and Bobbie and we got extremely hyper on Monster, made a vlog and met up with everyone else in town.
Got to Emma’s and I managed to stay pretty much sober most of the night. Bit tipsy and off balance for a bit, but I remember it all :) Loooads of unconscious people and sick everywhere. Police knocked on the door asking us to ‘watch our language’…..Yes, you read it right. Nope, not asking us to turn the music down, not asking about all the underage drinking, smoking and sex, not about the drugs, our language…..
Anyways, slept on my mates bedroom floor in my clothes and woke up feeling very sore. Damn wooden floors -.- (she doesn’t have a bed :P)
The only downside is that I saw the guy I ‘used’ to like making out with his girlfriend pretty much all night, and the guy I currently like getting dragged through the hole in the fence to a part where you can’t really see anyone. He claimed nothing happened, but he was pretty pissed. I’m kinda okay with it though. Just giving up on guys for a while me thinks.
Anyways, helped her clear up a bit and then we went into town and got a MacDonald’s.
Now I’m home, stinking of smoke, weed, and alcohol.
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Monday, 14 November 2011
Friday, 11 November 2011
More Confusion
I feel like I need to write something, but I'm not sure what.
I spoke to him today, but it was just like, 'you okay?' and 'what lesson you got now?'. So I feel kinda pathetic. I dunno why. I just don't stop thinking about him. Cliché, but he is the first thing I think about in the morning and he is the last thing I think about at night.
I spoke to him today, but it was just like, 'you okay?' and 'what lesson you got now?'. So I feel kinda pathetic. I dunno why. I just don't stop thinking about him. Cliché, but he is the first thing I think about in the morning and he is the last thing I think about at night.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
The pattern
Okay, so whenever I don't see him, I feel happy when I get home.
But when I do see him, it reminds me how much I like him, and then I miss him so much when he is gone.
So I know I shouldn't see him if it makes me feel this way, but I don't want to not see him. Forget about the whole crush, and he is a really good mate. I don't want to loose him as a friend. I just have to get over him.
Even if I don't want to...
But when I do see him, it reminds me how much I like him, and then I miss him so much when he is gone.
So I know I shouldn't see him if it makes me feel this way, but I don't want to not see him. Forget about the whole crush, and he is a really good mate. I don't want to loose him as a friend. I just have to get over him.
Monday, 7 November 2011
ARGHHHHHHHHH!
Okay, so I'm so confused. So I'm just gonna write my thoughts down.
Well, I'm in love with a guy who has a girlfriend, and he's flirting with me. Mixed signals, argh. I was talking to my brothers girlfriend, and she made me see that he is a bit of a prick. He's flirting with me, telling me I'm fit, and all behind his girlfriends back.
I can't help it, even though he is a prick, I just fucking love him so much.
Every time I see him at school, he smiles at me. He had the cutest smile. And when I hug him, it just feels right. Safe. Warm. It makes me happy. It just feels right. ARGHHHHHHHH! I don't know what to do.
He keeps asking when I'm going to Kettering again. I can only go Fridays, and thats when he is at his girlfriends. I just really want to see him outside of school again, so we can talk. I don't want to tell him that I'm secretly madly in love with him, at all. I just want to see him. Even if he is a prick. So what?I love him.
I really didn't want to get too hung up on him from the very start, but it really just made things much worse. It's like when someone tells you that you can't have something, you want it even more.
..It's a horrible feeling..
Well, I'm in love with a guy who has a girlfriend, and he's flirting with me. Mixed signals, argh. I was talking to my brothers girlfriend, and she made me see that he is a bit of a prick. He's flirting with me, telling me I'm fit, and all behind his girlfriends back.
I can't help it, even though he is a prick, I just fucking love him so much.
Every time I see him at school, he smiles at me. He had the cutest smile. And when I hug him, it just feels right. Safe. Warm. It makes me happy. It just feels right. ARGHHHHHHHH! I don't know what to do.
He keeps asking when I'm going to Kettering again. I can only go Fridays, and thats when he is at his girlfriends. I just really want to see him outside of school again, so we can talk. I don't want to tell him that I'm secretly madly in love with him, at all. I just want to see him. Even if he is a prick. So what?
I really didn't want to get too hung up on him from the very start, but it really just made things much worse. It's like when someone tells you that you can't have something, you want it even more.
..It's a horrible feeling..
Saturday, 29 October 2011
I need help.
I can’t stop because I can’t cope on my own. But I can’t tell anyone because they will make fun of me and I will do it more.
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Meeting Ed Sheeran
So, me and my mate Molly went to see Ed Sheeran yesterday.
We got a bit lost in Cambridge, but that turned out to be a good thing, cause as we were walking, we walked passed the back of the venue, and Ed Sheeran was just standing there having a fag talking to these two girls. Me and my mate were so starstruck. I didn't know what to say! So we went and stood with the girls, and they wouldn't shut up, so we could barely get a word in. The Ed looked at me, smiled and said "You alright?" I think I said yes, and giggled. I mean, Ed Sheeran just asked me if I was okay, what do you say to that!?
He then had to leave, so we said bye and enjoyed an amazing night.
When the gig finished, We went back the same way, and there were a few more people waiting, so we waited too. We waited for most likely half and hour-an hour, and eventually, he came out and said hi. I got a couple of pictures with him and his autograph!
Was pretty good.
We got a bit lost in Cambridge, but that turned out to be a good thing, cause as we were walking, we walked passed the back of the venue, and Ed Sheeran was just standing there having a fag talking to these two girls. Me and my mate were so starstruck. I didn't know what to say! So we went and stood with the girls, and they wouldn't shut up, so we could barely get a word in. The Ed looked at me, smiled and said "You alright?" I think I said yes, and giggled. I mean, Ed Sheeran just asked me if I was okay, what do you say to that!?
He then had to leave, so we said bye and enjoyed an amazing night.
When the gig finished, We went back the same way, and there were a few more people waiting, so we waited too. We waited for most likely half and hour-an hour, and eventually, he came out and said hi. I got a couple of pictures with him and his autograph!
Was pretty good.
Thursday, 20 October 2011
Embarrassing Crush Thingy.
24-September-2011.
So basically, i feel wierd.
Last night I went Westies (park in Kettering) with my mate, and we met up with a load of people. One stood out. [not posting his name]. My first thought (when I saw him walking round school) was no way, but once he starts talking and you get to know him a bit more, he is really cute. It was still light and we were lying down on the hill with everyone, and I can't remember how exactly, but my mate said I told her I liked him in MacDonalds (which is true), and he said I was gorgeous. My heart literally skipped a beat. No guy had ever told me that before, so it felt good that someone actually thought that.
The night went on and it started getting darker. We switched jackets, so he wore my blue hoodie, and I wore his shirt. After a while, we switched back again. I took one of the rings he had on his finer off of him, and tried it on. For once I felt small cause it didn't fit. Then I put it back on him and his exact words were ' :o yes I will marry you' This made me giggle.
It started to get cold too, so he started to hug me. This went on for ages. We kept hugging, like, proper hugging. We sat in the emo hut and cuddled, and there was a little flirting going on and we exchanged numbers.
A bit later he got off and he stood in front of me (I was sitting on the edge), and he put my legs around him and hugged me. So my legs were wrapped around him and he started to hug me. I got off and he hugged me from behind. Then he sat on the slide, so I sat on top of him. We stood up and he hugged me from behind again and his head was on my neck, lips pressed against it (I think), he didn't kiss my neck though. He had a top on that said 'You can't touch this' and he said to me in front of everyone else 'You can though' and the smiled at me.
Then he went and sat on his own across the park a bit, so my mate told me to go, so I did and I sat with him on the edge. We talked for a bit about school (we both go to Brooke Weston) and then we looked up at the sky. He told me a load of stuff about the stars, cause he had been doing about that in Physics, and he showed me a galaxy and the Milky way. He offered to walk me to my car when my mum picked me up, but we saw his mate stood outside the gate infront of us, so we both lay down on the platform of the climbing frame, my head on top of his chest. And then his mate came in and started talking to him. They were talking about the band they are in, and I got a text off my mum saying she was at Macdonalds ready to pick me up. I walked away (Him and his mate following me) and me, my mate, his mate and my mates boyfriend said bye to everyone but when I said bye to him, he gave me a really big, romantic hug.
That is all that happened. I can't stop thinking about him. It's more complicated than it sounds though. He has a girlfriend. I didn't meet her though. He is going to a party tonight and getting pissed, and most likely fucking everything with a pulse. I can't stand that thought.
He was really nice to everyone that night, but it seemed that he was being especially nice to me. I don't know if he likes me, but it kinda seems like he does. But I'm probably wrong. I'm just not used to guys being nice
to me. I have never been treated like that before by any guy. I hate these feelings. I can't wait until Monday to come so I can see him in school.
10-October-2011
Well. I can't stand this. I hate it.
The other day at school he had to do a performance for his GCSE, where he played the bass. Me and my mates went down and watched him, and half way through, he looked up and saw me, then sort of smiled to himself. He looked sorta happy to see me there. When he finished, I said well done and stuff but then I had to go back to my lesson.
The next day my mate was back cause she was off ill, and we went and sat with a group of our mates, and him, in the morning and we got onto the conversation of him and his girlfriend. He said somehow that she was really annoying him at the moment. But no, they are still together. I am jealous, but I don't want them to break up because of me. It's not like they would anyway, cause she is way prettier than me.
I tried my hardest not to get so caught up over him, like I do with a lot of people, but it just made it worse to be honest. I can't stand this anymore. Being single. Never have having a boyfriend in my life. It's really depressing.
Every time I see him online, I really want to talk to him, but I know if I do, it will just make it much worse. I wouldn't know what to say anyway, and I would probably just fuck the situation up even more.
20-October-2011
So basically, I think I have moved on....I don't know though cause I keep thinking it's cause I haven't seen him in a while, and when I do see him, all those shit feeling will come back.
7-November-2011
Okay, we had a conversation last night, and he was flirting with me. He told me he thinks I'm fit. I fucking love him so much.....
So basically, i feel wierd.
Last night I went Westies (park in Kettering) with my mate, and we met up with a load of people. One stood out. [not posting his name]. My first thought (when I saw him walking round school) was no way, but once he starts talking and you get to know him a bit more, he is really cute. It was still light and we were lying down on the hill with everyone, and I can't remember how exactly, but my mate said I told her I liked him in MacDonalds (which is true), and he said I was gorgeous. My heart literally skipped a beat. No guy had ever told me that before, so it felt good that someone actually thought that.
The night went on and it started getting darker. We switched jackets, so he wore my blue hoodie, and I wore his shirt. After a while, we switched back again. I took one of the rings he had on his finer off of him, and tried it on. For once I felt small cause it didn't fit. Then I put it back on him and his exact words were ' :o yes I will marry you' This made me giggle.
It started to get cold too, so he started to hug me. This went on for ages. We kept hugging, like, proper hugging. We sat in the emo hut and cuddled, and there was a little flirting going on and we exchanged numbers.
A bit later he got off and he stood in front of me (I was sitting on the edge), and he put my legs around him and hugged me. So my legs were wrapped around him and he started to hug me. I got off and he hugged me from behind. Then he sat on the slide, so I sat on top of him. We stood up and he hugged me from behind again and his head was on my neck, lips pressed against it (I think), he didn't kiss my neck though. He had a top on that said 'You can't touch this' and he said to me in front of everyone else 'You can though' and the smiled at me.
Then he went and sat on his own across the park a bit, so my mate told me to go, so I did and I sat with him on the edge. We talked for a bit about school (we both go to Brooke Weston) and then we looked up at the sky. He told me a load of stuff about the stars, cause he had been doing about that in Physics, and he showed me a galaxy and the Milky way. He offered to walk me to my car when my mum picked me up, but we saw his mate stood outside the gate infront of us, so we both lay down on the platform of the climbing frame, my head on top of his chest. And then his mate came in and started talking to him. They were talking about the band they are in, and I got a text off my mum saying she was at Macdonalds ready to pick me up. I walked away (Him and his mate following me) and me, my mate, his mate and my mates boyfriend said bye to everyone but when I said bye to him, he gave me a really big, romantic hug.
That is all that happened. I can't stop thinking about him. It's more complicated than it sounds though. He has a girlfriend. I didn't meet her though. He is going to a party tonight and getting pissed, and most likely fucking everything with a pulse. I can't stand that thought.
He was really nice to everyone that night, but it seemed that he was being especially nice to me. I don't know if he likes me, but it kinda seems like he does. But I'm probably wrong. I'm just not used to guys being nice
to me. I have never been treated like that before by any guy. I hate these feelings. I can't wait until Monday to come so I can see him in school.
10-October-2011
Well. I can't stand this. I hate it.
The other day at school he had to do a performance for his GCSE, where he played the bass. Me and my mates went down and watched him, and half way through, he looked up and saw me, then sort of smiled to himself. He looked sorta happy to see me there. When he finished, I said well done and stuff but then I had to go back to my lesson.
The next day my mate was back cause she was off ill, and we went and sat with a group of our mates, and him, in the morning and we got onto the conversation of him and his girlfriend. He said somehow that she was really annoying him at the moment. But no, they are still together. I am jealous, but I don't want them to break up because of me. It's not like they would anyway, cause she is way prettier than me.
I tried my hardest not to get so caught up over him, like I do with a lot of people, but it just made it worse to be honest. I can't stand this anymore. Being single. Never have having a boyfriend in my life. It's really depressing.
Every time I see him online, I really want to talk to him, but I know if I do, it will just make it much worse. I wouldn't know what to say anyway, and I would probably just fuck the situation up even more.
20-October-2011
So basically, I think I have moved on....I don't know though cause I keep thinking it's cause I haven't seen him in a while, and when I do see him, all those shit feeling will come back.
7-November-2011
Okay, we had a conversation last night, and he was flirting with me. He told me he thinks I'm fit. I fucking love him so much.....
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